The title.

I know you’re reading and thinking, “J’na, you mean to tell me that you think that Disney taught us lies growing up? I bite my thumb at you! Boo! Hiss! ”

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Disney more than a normal person should. My childhood (and even my young adult life) flourished through constant rotation of various Disney movies and songs, but I have to say that some of the elements in these cinematic blessings are a bit deceptive.

For instance, I, too, was taken aback by the fact that most feral animals will not help you make outfits or do household chores for you. Chances are if you ask a blue bird to help you make a dress, they’ll probably rip the outfit to shreds with their talons, make a nest for their fine feathered family in the boddice, and take a bibbidi-bobbidi-poo on you in the process.

Another lie that we were subconsciously fed as kids is that if you don’t listen to your parents, you’ll get everything your heart desires.

In The Little Mermaid, Ariel swam her 16-year-old fins to the shore and fell in love with a strapping young gent. She told her daddy that she wanted to be with him, to which he said no. So what did she do? She went behind his back, a bunch of potentially dangerous crap went down, and she was able to be with the one she loved.

When I was her age, I wouldn’t dare to disobey my parents because I knew the repercussions. I wouldn’t even do it today. If I was in her fins, “under the sea” would have been the last place I’d want to be. Did it even occur to Ariel that her father had a triton? If this movie was real life, best believe that Ariel would have ended up being sushi.

I also learned that one kiss determines who your true love is. If that was the case, I wouldn’t have written an essay about being perpetually single.

Snow White found her true love after he planted a smooch on her virtually lifeless lips. She woke up, saw he was a prince, and galloped with him into the sunset, living happily ever after. Keep in mind that she lived with seven other men who tended to her every need. As soon as Prince Charming came strolling in, she told the dwarves to kick rocks, chucked the deuces up, and bounced.

Did this broad realize how well off she was? For all we know, Prince Charming could have ended up being a complete douche, which is usually how it goes. Just because someone is appealing on the outside, it doesn’t always mean the same thing on the inside. It sure as hell doesn’t mean that good looking people are husband material, even though we’d all like to think that way.

When we were children, the biggest rule that our parents tried to instill in our minds was “don’t talk to strangers”.

Disney said the complete opposite. To Disney, chillin’ with strangers meant going on epic adventures with them to the unknown, yielding fantastic results and finding lifelong friends.

Alice followed a white rabbit with generalized anxiety disorder and a Flava Flav clock into a cavernous hole, and she ended up going on one of the biggest acid trips of all time. But it was an exciting romp, so all is forgiven.

Peter Pan flew into Wendy’s window and took her and her brothers to Neverland. She went with him just because he was cute and he told her that it would be fun.

Those exact words are how some girls manage to get on Teen Mom. Wendy Darling, please don’t become a statistic.

You can’t trust anybody nowadays. It doesn’t matter if you are “curiouser and curiouser” or hormonal, you stay where you are and don’t follow people you don’t know. Don’t be afraid of the world- it’s an exciting place full of exciting things to do. Just use your better judgment.

Probably the most deceiving aspect of Disney movies is the fact that they made you believe that singing is the cure of all issues in life and that you can sing any time you feel it is needed. This of course is not true. The most unrealistic part about this is that all bystanders know the words, the pitch, the tone, and the riffs (well, not necessarily the riffs, unless we’re in the Mickey Mouse Club and your name is Christina Aguilera).

If you sang a song about how you just got a job promotion in the key of C minor, do you really think that everyone is going to join in harmonious unison to celebrate your triumphant achievement?

Hell. No.

They sure won’t be putting on their Capezios to join you in a kick ball change combination, either. They’re probably going to call the authorities after you accost those who are unwilling to participate.

I don’t care if your voice is as pure and velvety as Cinder-elly’s or Troy Bolton’s. If you are singing in public, everyone can hear you and you are going to be judged. The only time that singing and dancing randomly in public is acceptable is flash mobs, and let’s face it, those are sooooo 2011.

Although Disney gave us our kicks as kids, and it continues to fill our lives with joy today, the subliminal values that it taught are not all sparkles and fairy dust. Obviously, I’m reading very far into these movies for comedic effect, but think about it…Disney did in fact give us some unrealistic expectations and life lessons.

I mean, they put Lindsay Lohan on a pedestal- they made it seem like she was going to do something great. Instead, she’s crashing into people with her car, starring in lackluster made-for-television films, and trying to make sure her alcohol monitoring bracelet doesn’t short circuit when she tipsily spills her booze at the club.

You can’t always trust the Mouse House.